The Summer of. . . Change?

I haven't updated my blog in a while. I know, I'm getting my pitchfork out right now. I decided that I needed to take a vacation, so I went to visit my boyfriend's parents. It was really nice; hiking, seeing friends, a family birthday party, I even went sailing for the first time in my life.

So when I returned home, I was refreshed and ready to get back into my work!

Well, I needed a few days to recover, but then I was ready to get back to work!!

But that didn't happen. I was getting so frustrated; nothing seemed to be doing what I wanted, I was stressed and tired and I just COULD NOT figure out what was going on with me. I decided to take a day just to relax, but it quickly turned into a day of self reflection. There have been a lot of shitty things that have happened to me in my past, so self-reflection has always been something to avoid at all costs. There was a lot of crying, but a lot of revelations. It was really hard, but it was really, really worth it. I'm not going to write an entire dissertation on it, but I'll go over a few points.

I found a new mantra! And it has helped me so much. All I need to do is remind myself that "I deserve to take up space," when I start to feel self-doubt and, admittedly, complete self-hatred. I spent hours deconstructing why I HATED myself so much, and why I was so desperate to tear myself down, and came out with the mantra.
I started to take care of myself again. Cleaned my apartment, got a semi-routine together, organized my thoughts and to-do lists, things like that. It seems really weird looking back on it now, but I had fallen into this cycle of guilt where I wouldn't take care of myself, it would negatively affect my work, I recognized it and would be angry that my art just "wasn't working," and then not take care of myself because I felt like such a failure. I didn't believe I deserved to take up space in my own mind, and that is so toxic. Now that I'm feeling much better and a lot more positive, I leave time in the day to take care of my body physically, (I'm working on the exercising part, but you know how it is. Baby steps.) cook healthier meals, clean more often so that the mess didn't grow and pile up, etc. But most importantly, I gave myself time to relax.
Relaxing. I didn't believe I deserved it, so every moment I wasn't working, I thought I was failing. I've been told for so long that self-love is really important and that it will improve your efficiency and productivity and your outlook on life, but it didn't sink in until I had hit that "rock-bottom." And this isn't just during Corona, I hadn't been letting myself relax without guilt for a LOOONG time, and it really shows.
I'm learning Swedish! I use DuoLingo, but I had tried a couple times during college and just wasn't seeing results and ended up quitting. But now, everything seems to just be clicking! I slowed down and started to take the full 20 minutes a day to learn the pronunciations, grammar, and vocab instead of blowing through it to get it done.
I started writing fiction again?? I used to write so much fanfiction back in high school, but it had slowed down because of my developing narcolepsy, and then it ground to a halt once I entered college. But on one story specifically that I had started four years ago, I consistently have received comments asking if I was ever going to pick it back up and finish it. And I LOVED that story, so. . . I did. Because I'm feeling so much better mentally, my mind cleared up and I have a great outline for the rest of the book. It's going to take a while to get there, but it's worth it and I don't feel self conscious about my writing anymore because I know I'm good enough.
Speaking of writing, I started a substance tutorial 'book.' I had offered a tutorial to my students, but I realized I wasn't confident enough to make a video on it, so I started writing one instead. I am having so much fun and learning so much in the process, and I think my students and friends will like it too.
I found my love for learning again! It had felt like a chore for so long, because I was so desperate to have something work the first time that I stopped wanting to even learn. I just wanted my work to be good. And that doesn't help.
I don't need to get a job anymore. This one was super important, because I realized that as long as I was happy and spreading positivity to get positivity back, it would show in my work. I was so stuck on this idea of NEEDING to get a job that I wasn't having fun. I needed to remember why I went into games and 3D in the first place, and that was to help other people and be a part of something bigger than myself. It's very freeing.

This was more of a ramble than a post, and I think I will delve more into some of these topics in future posts, but I wanted to get into a posting schedule again. I need to get comfortable with writing blog posts again, so they won't be this messy. Maybe I'll do a mini series about all the topics I've learned about from my self reflection, we'll see. I'm excited to get back to texturing, so I'll leave you with some cool progress shots.

Before: